Rob Schneider

In May 2009 I flew to Boston to attend my brother's college graduation. The night before the ceremony, my family and I are walking on the same block in Kenmore Square where I spotted Tim Russert. I mention how the last time I was there, I Doritos Guy'd Tim Russert, who had since died, and my mom calls me embarrassing. Not an hour later, we're back on the same block, and I see Rob Schneider (star of such films as The Hot Chick, The Animal, Deuce Bigolo: Male Gigolo & every bad Adam Sandler movie) about half a block away walking towards us. He's real short, rocking a Sox hat, and holding TWO (2) Starbucks drinks (double-fisting frappuccinos), walking with another (non-Doritos) guy. I immediately recognize him, and as he approaches, I shout "Holy shit!..." He looks overjoyed. He stops walking, and is immediately in autograph mode..."It's the Doritos Guy!" His joy fades to disappointment in being incorrectly identified. I proceed to NOT ask for his autograph, despite his eagerness, and he walks away, ego bruised. My dad & brother break into hysterics while my mother is mortified. She later admits that it's hilarious because, c'mon, it's Rob frickin Schnieder.

Tim Russert (RIP)

Tim Russert is currently the only dead Doritos Guy. I saw him in Boston outside of Bertucci's on October 21, 2007. I can recall the date because soon after spotting him I went to Game 7 of the 2007 ALCS at Fenway, the night the Sox won the pennant. I'm waiting for a table, when a gigantic floating head drifts my way. On closer inspection, it's Tim Russert, former host of Meet the Press, numerous Presidential Debates and freakish pumpkin head. He was not hard to spot. As he walks towards us I yell "Holy Shit!...It's the Doritos Guy!" He looks EXTREMELY CONFUSED, smiles, and continues walking. Actually come to think of it, he wasn't looking too good...

Heather Graham

(From Hans)

I can't reach your site. China's internet is slightly stall-y. As in stalinist. They've indefinitely banned youtube because of some clip of chinese soldiers beating on a bunch of tibetans. just an example.
but my encounter with heather graham-cum-felicity shagwell was pretty straightforward. i says to her, i says, "holy shit, it's the doritos guy!" as she's hailing a cab around bway and 14th. she gives me a look through her bulbous sunglasses like someone told her her boobs were uneven, and heads into the cab. she ran away like a startled fawn.

bitch.

Todd Barry

I realized that Todd Barry was actually the Second ever Doritos Guy. Though, he's really not famous enough, so he's really only a footnote. You know that bald comedian dude? With the lime in the background of his Comedy Central special? He's in the Wrestler, the boss at the ACME. You know the guy. Anyway. I saw him at a Ben Folds concert in Central Park in 2003. After I called him out for being the Doritos Guy, he was pretty confused. Part of him looked like "Am I really being recognized?" and the other part said, "Wait...AM I THE DORITOS GUY???" We shared an awkward laugh, my girlfriend yelled at me, and we all moved on.

David Cross (Again)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe David Cross was also the Second Doritos Guy ever. We saw him AGAIN at Siren the next year. 2004 it must have been. This time, he was not alone. After the Constantines played, everyone was leaving the main stage next the Cyclone, and we spotted his ass again. If it wasn't Analrapist Tobias Funke in person. He was hanging out with a few hipster chicks. I spotted him again, went up to him and went, "Holy Shit! It's the Doritos Guy!" This time I got a response. He goes, "Yeah, Eat Dortios." One of the hipster girls laughed. We also laughed. I bet we got him laid that night.

David Cross

The first Doritos Guy ever was David Cross. A bunch of us went to Siren Festival on Coney Island in '03. Robin and I were wandering around the boardwalk when we spotted David Cross. He was standing in the middle of the boardwalk by himself. There was no one around and he almost looked like he was waiting to be recognized. Robin and I approached him and I shouted, "Holy shit! It's The Doritos Guy!" He did not look amused. Robin followed with a, "That IS the Doritos Guy!" He looked straight up PEEVED. Suffice it to say, we got no laughter out of him that day. I eventually broke and admitted I was a fan. This moment of weakness would not repeat itself.

Reppin My Street

Cops: Sex-crime suspect also had weed, stolen driver’s license

A Cooper Avenue man was recently arrested at home and charged with exposing his penis at a local bar and rubbing it against a bartender at 1:30 a.m. May 17, police said.

During his arrest, while officers were searching 23-year-old Carson Mullen, they found he was carrying a bag of marijuana in one of his front pants pockets, according authorities. Mullen also had the driver’s license of a Nutley woman whose purse was stolen from the same bar, which police did not name, in March 2009.

According to police, a drunken man pressed his uncovered penis against a 28-year-old bartender while the suspect’s friends observed and laughed on May 17, right after the bartender had given the last call for drinks. The suspect was then kicked out of the pub, police said.

Mullen was charged with criminal sexual contact, lewdness, drug possession, and receiving stolen property, police said. He was jailed on $100,000 bond or $10,000 cash bail.